I turned 21 yesterday. This is the last "milestone" birthday I will have for quite awhile. Many choose to spend their night bar hopping or getting plastered, but I spent my 21st birthday pretty conflicted.
I didn't choose to smoke, even though I legally could, when I turned 18. I knew that was something I would never do, because smoking is what took my dad from this earth; We knew they would, even before he was diagnosed.
Now, I am legally allowed to drink. It is a right of passage. Something, although I cannot put my finger on what, is different between being legally able to smoke at 18, and being legally able to drink at 21. More people opt to drink when they are of age. I (within reason) feel that this is reasonable, even given current circumstances. I had several drinks, took the obligatory "first legal drink" picture, and celebrated as much as someone in my situation could. It wasn't a bad day, but I just need to be hyper-aware of myself when I choose to indulge. Alcoholism is genetic, and I know that my Mom does not want her baby to end up as sick as she herself is now.
I talked about this concern with my Mom yesterday morning, visiting with her before leaving for my vacation. She says she knows I'm a smart girl, and trusts that I will not fall into the same trap she did. I know I need to consider every move I make concerning alcohol very carefully, but I trust myself too--and I want to be worthy of the trust my mother has instilled in me.
It just feels like there is a sort of irony to my 21st birthday clichés and the current situation. When I went to the bar for my first legal drink, I still had a message scrawled on my car's rear windshield, saying, "Mom needs liver transplant. O blood, please help us!" And my personal cell. There is a knowledge that I cannot afford to overindulge. There is a fear of even mentioning going to a bar disappointing or hurting my Mom.
I do not want gifts for my birthday, nor do I expect them. I noticed, as people were writing all their birthday messages on my Facebook wall, my Mom made her way into many peoples' wishes. "Hope your day is great despite the circumstances"..."thinking of you and mom in these hard times"..."We know what you really want for your birthday and hope you find it soon." Honestly, all I want, all I could ever ask for, is for somebody to give me the opportunity to have my Mom around for all the birthdays yet to come. I don't want to have to spend another birthday in the hospital by her bedside; I'd rather wake up to a hug from her in the kitchen first thing in the morning. There is no greater gift I could ask for. I'll even take it as a belated gift--somebody just please help me to get this opportunity.
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